The total workforce at Twitter HQ is now officially eight after the latest round of layoffs.
According to sources, these include Jeff, head of content moderation, Bill and Julie, who look after the servers, and the office cat ‘Mr Wilson’, whose official title is Head of Mousing.
“It’s an interesting place to work,” said Jeff. “On a good day, I can spot and delete up to 30 naughty Tweets. I’m not too fond of Marsupials, so I generally start with them, eventually working my way down to fish, hate speech and bad weather. I have a real problem with people banging on about the weather.”
Although extremely busy, Jeff can let his hair down during the working day. “I like to create fake accounts and troll businesses. It’s a right laugh.” Then, in a moment of candour, Jeff admitted that on days when Elon isn’t in the office, he could spend up to 10 hours a day trolling. “I love it,” he said, “I think I’m addicted.”
Bill and Julie were guarded about their role within Twitter. “You see these red lights here?” While taking me on a tour of the massive computer servers that are the heartbeat of Twitter, Julie asked me, “And these blue ones over there, next to the green ones? If they start blinking…run!”
One other worker, who wishes to remain anonymous, is in charge of the Twitter Blue programme. “It’s a bloody nightmare,” they said. “I have no idea what’s going on. Twitter Blue can change from one moment to the next with no warning. The only head’s-up I get is when Elon Tweets. All policy changes and innovation announcements are announced via his weird and cryptic Tweets. Honestly, I’m just trying to get through each day without a complete mental breakdown.”
As I was leaving the building, a mouse ran over my foot. Mr Wilson was unavailable for comment.
Leave a Reply