Satan is fuming with science. Again.

Scientists have confirmed that Heaven travels at a breakneck 20,000 mph while Hell is plodding along at a much more sedentary 1,000 mph.

Apoplectic.

The Devil is furious at an unpublished scientific study proving that Heaven moves up to 20 times faster than Hell.

“We are scientists; we report facts. Heaven moves faster than Hell, and that’s a fact.”
The science is quite simple. As we know, Heaven is above the earth in a geostationary orbit and therefore travels at approximately 19,000 mph faster than Hell.

Blown away.

These calculations do not consider the speed that the earth is orbiting the solar system, and the speed that the solar system is travelling through the Milky Way, or the speed that the entire galaxy is moving through the universe. These facts would blow your mind.

Gravity’s a bitch.

The Devil is also furious with gravity. “How are we supposed to compete? The entire earth mass acts as an anchor on Hell, while centrifugal forces can fling Heaven through the sky at a much higher speed.

Hot Discharge.

There is also a massive over-population problem in Hell. “Heaven has unlimited space into which it can expand, but the size of the earth limits Hell. It’s just not fair.” whined the Devil. Indeed Hell has recently leaked out onto the earth’s surface, spilling into parts of western North America, Southeastern Europe and Japan.

Our Souls.

Of the roughly 100 Billion souls to inhabit Heaven and Earth, approximately 45% live in Hell, but that number is rapidly rising. With the ever-increasing spread of social media, humans have created a breeding ground for Hell admittance. “The situation is likely to get far worse before it gets better” confirmed a gargoyle.

Enigmatic.

A rather smug God was unavailable for comment. However, Heaven’s spokesperson did suggest “Quam bene vivas refert non quam diu” which left this reporter totally confused.